Six Month Review

As we approach the end of June, I have been actively pursuing my journey of balanced spiritual, physical, and mental health for six months. I figured now was a good time to evaluate why I am doing this, how my overeating undermines those goals, and what steps I can take to meet these goals.

(1) To have a baby. This one’s new. I did not start out in January thinking this way, but now that my husband and I are seriously considering starting a family in the semi-distant future, this has become a primary factor for me. My weight is one of the most influential factors in determining whether I can get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a healthy pregnancy.

Overeating undermines this goal by putting it entirely at risk. I am already at risk due to my endometriosis, so being overweight when I try to get pregnant will just further complicate matters. My overeating is quietly sabotaging this goal.

It is not enough to acknowledge my goals and how my old ways will simply undermine them. I need to make a concrete plan to meet those goals. When it comes to getting healthy in order to have a baby, the very first step is going to be consistency. I have to stop being on-again/off-again with my diet. I have a tendancy to “take off” for a weekend or a week. I can’t afford to do that and stay on-track, let alone develop the necessary self-discipline to teach healthy living to a child. So, step one is: Consistency.

(2) To get my health under control. This was my primary motivating factor last winter. Between my myopic degeneration and my endometriosis, I was determined to stop piling on the pounds. Technically, my conditions are not weight-related, but I have found that they (especially my endometriosis) react better when I am eating right and exercising regularly.

Overeating just makes me feel bad. It decreases my energy, and makes me sick feeling. It makes me vulnerable to the daily wearing pain and frustrations of my conditions, leaving me open to collapsing under them.

To reach this goal requires maintaining my daily eating habits and exercise. Generally, I can be “on the wagon” but be eating crap and sitting on the couch. This doesn’t help me deal with my daily pain, or avoid feeling sick. To find equilibrium with my health, I need to increase fiber, cut down on junk, and maintain my exercise routine.

(3) To ensure that I am healthy in my old age. One of my greatest fears it to be trapped in my own body as I age, instead of being healthy and active enough to enjoy retirement. This is, of course, directly related to how I take care of myself now.

Overeating, and failing to take care of my self now, will mean that I suffer the lifelong consequences of obesity and lack of activity when I am older and unable to repair that damage.

Consistent healthy eating and exercise will obviously lead to the type of healthy body that will keep me active into my old age. But I need more then that: I need to maintain the agile thinking that I so enjoy. To that end, I want to commit to turning off the tv and computer and doing something, anything, else that keeps me from sitting. The long term purpose here is to develop an interest/activity that keeps me moving, even when I am bored or alone all day.

(4) To honor God. I know this sounds cheesy, but my body is one of the many assets God has entrusted to me. I have a duty to manage it, as I would money, for His benefit. As a trust attorney, this is called a “fiduciary duty,” which means that the trustee is legally bound to do what a reasonably prudent person would do in that situation for the benefit of the beneficiary. Read Romans 12:1 – our “reasonable” act of worship. All this boils down to a simple definition: the minimum standard of conduct. So, technically, taking care of my body is the minimum standard of conduct that God expects from me.

Overeating hinders my ability to use this asset for His Glory.

My blog makes it seem like I consistently pray every day, all day long. I realize how high-and-mighty my writing may sound, narrated in your inner voice. But please realize that I am a work in progress, never perfect. I work daily on my relationship with Jesus and it isn’t always flawless.

I have talked for a long time about my devotionals, but you will notice that I didn’t say “daily.” (Except, maybe, for a 3 week period in April where I tried really hard to get up at dawn every day. Yeah, that didn’t last long.) It is so important to maintain regular contact/dialogue with God. How can I know what resource He needs to use if I’m not listening? So, my final step in my four-point plan is to work on daily devotionals.

After reviewing my motivators, I have a revised four point plan towards total health:

(1) Consistently
(2) Stay on Weight Watchers (food servings and all).
(3) Don’t sit on your butt.
(4) Pray every day.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Now I have to work on implementing it. … More on that next week.

14s

It's amazing what people notice. I haven't really bought many clothes since I started loosing weight in January. Hence, my regular work clothes -- slacks mostly -- are still a size 18. I did know they were baggy, but apparently not how baggy.

This week at work is a slow week, with nothing scheduled because my boss is out of town. So, I've gotten to wear my "casual" clothes more this week. And, my casual clothes tend to be smaller -- refugees from my bygone skinny days. Y'know, the shorts/dress/jeans you just didn't want to give up. Because when you were skinny they looked great. Now you pour yourself into them, even if it means laying flat on the bed to button them closed. At some point, you longingly admit they don't look good anymore so you tuck them away in the back of your closet and swear you'll get into them again. (For you Sex and the City fans: think Miranda's skinny jeans.)

Well, I'm not a pack rat. So tended to get rid of 80% of those old "skinny" clothes. But I kept a few key pieces: my dress from Jeannette's wedding (size 13), a pair of black slacks (13/14), some high end suits (12s). Mostly sentimental or expensive clothes I just wasn't ready to part with.

Enter my dress from Jeannette's wedding (the white sundress with purple/grey flowers). It was tight when I wore it to her wedding and I only wore it once more before tucking it to the back of my closet. It's been staring at me for a couple weeks, daring me to try it on. Frankly, in my mid-180s I wasn't brave enough to try it on, and be sorely disappointed. But yesterday (before my weigh in) I went: what the heck! I put it on and ... it fit!!! A little snug, but comfortable. Whoo hoo.

And then came the size 13/14 slacks this morning. I just didn't want to put on my gray size 18 slacks; they look like MC Hammer pants at this point. So I grabbed the black slacks. (I should preface this. I tried them on a month ago and I looked like badly stuffed sausage in them.) Today they are fitting comfortably, no panty lines. Whoo hoo.

(And all this despite being on my period!)

It hasn't really sunk in that I'm down here yet. I still picture myself very wide. But this is the first week that I've been getting showered with praises at work. They might have mentioned a few things when I cut my hair, but everybody is noticing this week. Perhaps its that I'm finally having to shed my size 18 slacks and am wearing my old 14s.

Summary Update

Start: 205.8 lbs.
Current: 178.6 lbs.
Gone: 27.2 lbs.
Days: 168 days/24 weeks/6 months
Average: 1.13 lbs/week

Faithfully Fit

In the past two weeks I have been consistently using the book Faithfully Fit to do devotions on healthy eating. I am proceeding through the book slowly, but each and every devotional is freakishly on point. It's helping quite a bit. I have had had several moments where I have stopped, checked, and decided whether I was really hungry or not. Whether I was filling my God-hole with food. One time, I realized that was exactly what I was doing so I stopped, in the middle of my weekend, and did a devotional out of the book. Very helpful.

The past two weeks I have stayed within the WW program. I have never eaten outside my flex and activities points, although I'm not too happy about having to eat into my activity points. Alas, there have been too many nights out with friends and family dinners. Nonetheless, I have still lost.

At my weight-in today, I weighed exactly 180.0 -- that is, I've lost 2.8 lbs in 2 weeks and lost 25 lbs total. Rather then feeling relieved, though, I have a fear that I'll be falling off the wagon soon. I think that 180 lbs. is a barrier-number for me; I can't imagine actually being in the 170s. Sad, but true. I guess the next step is picturing myself actually being in the 170s and being that weight.

I leave you with this: if you are a Christian, you have at your access the greatest power in the universe. You can access the power of resurection, of life over death. Ephesians 1:18-19. Imagine the immense reserve we have, to draw upon in all situations, from this incredible power. The question is why we don't.

...motivation lapse

So, you're wondering why I haven't posted in over 3 weeks? Quite simply, because I have been struggling and generally failing miserably at Weight Watchers. After reaching my 10% goal, I have not lost (overall) more then that. I've waffled, gaining one week, down the next.

I'd love to blame it on PMS, bad health, stress... but the truth is I have lost focus, and that has resulted in a complete lapse in all the basics. I haven't journaled, drank enough water, or even counted points many days. I have splurged, far too often, on junk food, blizzards, and Cold Stone. The reason I'm floundering is all me.

So, I'm trying to get my focus back. Understanding the my self-discipline will eventually lapse if left to me, myself, and I, I have started a new Bible devotional. It's a 6 week devotional titled Faithfully Fit, written in 1991. It's not a "diet book," but rather a series of devotionals, scripture readings, and journaling activities designed to help individuals connect to God in their pursuit of health. The first week is focused on "surrendering," so I'll see how that goes.

I did the introduction today, which pointed out the following verse:

Romans 7: 22-25: "For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (NIV)

Or, from The Message paraphrase:

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

I was stunned, frankly, that there was a verse so on point. That even though I want to do better, I'm trapped in a body that wants to indulge. (Hence the chocolate cravings.) I am at the end of my rope. I simply can't overcome this on my own. Now, the real question is whether I'm ready to surrender over to God to let him fill me with the motivation, drive, and discipline to overcome this weakness.